haiz.. sad.. i really dunno myself... i think i offended quite alot of ppl.. without myself knowing.. until i think of it again... found tat ppl starting to hate me liao.. i really really no fren.. juz wanna find a fren to go watch movie or go out.. is so difficult.. haiz.. wad happen to me??!!!
i said i wan to change.. during dec holidays.. but.. do i hav enough time?? now den i noe our lessons will only end in the 2nd week of nov.. plus.. i hav 2 competitions in nov.. do i hav the time??? den i tot of starting to change now.. but den.. i juz cant control myself.. i slp alot.. really alot.. i feel so tired even i juz wake... and mayb this is an illness? tonight will hav a chinese show on the "man xing pi lau zhong he zhen".. means somethg like slow type tiredness symptom...
i hav alot hw.. haven do.. juz lazy to do.. the bio ws.. i juz take out.. wanting to do.. refer to the textbook... den feel sian liao.. so much words.. juz feel like having a search engine then search for the word "bile" in the whole book... so difficult to find...and.. look at the ws mrs tay giv.. she said she set one.. wah lau! i really dun understand.. especially the table one... so blur.. dunno wad she asking for.. haiz.. if exams like tat.. sure fail liao...
got this 'phrase' tat is perception = projection... yesterday when i going out.. at mrt station.. while waiting,... i juz suddenly come out a chinese phrase.. i noe its a nice phrase and planning to put in msn.. but when i come back.. i forgot it all!!! i juz cant remember... this taught me tat... gd thgs dun wait for me.. they go by fast... treasure it... watched some documentary yesterday on "get real"... really.. life is so precious.. ppl getting cancer is really so.... i dunno how to describe.. so kelian... treasure our lifes.. i really pity them...but.. i pity them.. i wont wan to take over them.. tats a 'selfish' thinking in humans.. i think so.. i myself.. mayb getting alot illness also.. ppl first see me.. will tot i sick or wad.. i so fair... den so weak.. really very weak.. cant even do 1 pull up.. sad thg... i dun eat vegetable one..really.. den.. i eat alot meat.. wif fats.. eat quite alot fast food.. but den.. i found it weird tat i dun get fat.. so where the fats go to? and i'm so skinny... wif a black panda eyes... juz dunno y.. even doctors dunno y.... i hav a "biting teeth" habit when i slp at night.. this causes now my one side of jaw to loosen... and doctor say it is cause of stress and pressure tat caused me to hav this habit.. i noe computers really giv out alot radiation.. but i still use comp so long.. as long at 12hours.. or more.. non stop.. haiz.. so.. am i healthy?? NO!
i'm going for 'bracing of teeth' or wadsoever u all call la.. after exams lo.. will cost alot money!!!.. i hav alot of bad habits.. really alot.. i starting to hate myself sometimes.. really.. but.. i juz hav to face it for the future.. i dun noe when i will die.. and.. choy!!! but den.. sometimes.. its juz fate.. i am so unhealthy.. mayb my body couldnt take it after sometimes.. u nv noe..
ok... back to yesterday.. went to airport.. show my mother the way.. so tat she can go fetch my papa on tue.. erm.. mayb wed?.. its at mid night... so she dun let me go.. so i tell her the way lo.. and tot of going airport to study during dec holiday.. its so quiet there... quite a nice plc.. but.. me and me only? den i muz think of it again.. at home study.. i will juz slp.. dunno y... so who will be willing to go wif me?? dun hav much frens...
exams starting this week liao.. and i still borrowing cds frm hsiu ya.. now gt alot songs liao.. some mayb listen once only.. dunno la... den.. won $20 creative voucher once again... my $50 voucher last time.. i recieved liao.. but dunno wad to do wif it... i wanna buy the creative muvo square 5GB.. but... it will den be $400 liao.. i dunno if i wanna buy anot leh.. if nv buy.. is like abit wasted... but if buy.. it will be a waste of money.. and if i nv use.. really wasted... den now already so poor liao.. still spend so much money.. how sia...think of finding some part-time work to do.. but den.. my parents dun let one la.. later if secretly go do.. they noe.. later "qi si ta men".. den really trouble liao....
life.. is really full of ups and downs.. juz like the rain now.. morning is so bright and sunny.. but den now is having heavy rain.. up and down.. starting rain heavily.. den it cool down.. small rain.. den suddenly lightning and den heavy rain again.... itz so unstable...y!! y i still got 7 years of studies??!! itz still sooo damn long!!! and y my father reaching 60 years old liao!!!! i really hav a heavy respoinsiblily in alot thgs..
npcc... they say i will be the head in charge of campcraft.. media productions.. vice chairman and every event muz do.. cuz the sec 1s...wont do one la.... no use la.. so.. if i quit.. ppl will hate me.. will say i irresponsible.. i really dunno!! the family.. i also play a big role now... i am the only one seems to be educated... and i can said to be only child.. but still hav a sis in aust studying now..
sometimes.. i really console myself.. wif siao siao reasons and excuse...sometiems is like "ahya.. exams still far.. dun care la..".. "dun hav the lesson tml.. dun do the hw la..".. or else is.. "ahya.. so tired liao.. play first den say la..".. all these.. and sometimes i say to myself.. "see.. i nv study also get almost the same results as some who study like siao.. see i so great...".. haiz.. i really siao.. oh!!! now i remember tat chinese phrase liao!! "you fu chu, cai you shou huo".. and now the rain stops.... PSLE.. i really play all my way.. and get 219 points.. nt a bad one.. sometimes.. i nv study.. i still pass.. and i feel tat.. i tend to remember wad teachers says during lessons.. rather than wad they write.. or wad i done for hw and wad i read frm textbook... dunno y.. but den.. lessons for mrs tay one.. use OHP all the time one.. tok alot crap one.. i cant remember.. except for.. "drop bio la!!".. haiz..
haiz.. wad shld i do now?? decisions is really very common for me... really very.. shld i juz leave everythg and juz study?? shld i juz dun care abt everythg?? shld i study even though i very tired?? shld i go to work?? shld i eat vegetables?? shld i buy the mp3 players?? shld i quit my cca?? shld i? shld i be more "ai mei"?? shld i concern abt my looks more?? shld i be more friendly towards ppl? or shld i juz become someone who dun tok?? shld i contribute more to my family?? SHOULD I???? I DUNNO!!!! wad happen when i'm in university now.. will my parents be able to pay for the sch fees? wif my looks.. would i find someone i like at tat time?? or shld i study.. start a business.. and dun marry?? mayb all these.. i no need to consider.. if anythg happen to me...before the time comes.. i dunno!!!!!
i dunno who i wanna be.. i wanna be someone.. but.. who is the "someone"??? i really dunno.. really quite confused..."se me yang de wo ta ru se mo yang de shi jie...".. haiz.. so which world shld i go to?? wad character i wanna be? feel like now i can choose who i wanna be.. but i dunno!!! i wanna start a business.. but becuz of little interest in IT.. i gt in media productions.. which take pics.. videos.. does it really related to the interest i wan?? i feel quite off track.. i really get involved in too much thgs.. i really dunno!!!
i really dunno who i wanna be.. could u help me plz..??
pandaboo penned at 10/03/2004 03:54:00 pm
think free.live free
